By Adam (I just decided to blog Adam’s post in order to give it special attention) —
Hi,
I wonder if anyone would give their opinion. This is a very long story, but it’s a complicated story... I’d really appreciate any input.
I met my girlfriend a year after being cheated on then dumped by my previous ex. We hit it off straight away, made each other laugh, and there was a clear mutual attraction.
After our first date, I found out that I was 9 years older than her. I told her that we should be friends but that it probably wouldn’t work because she was 19 and I was 28. However, she ran after me and said that she didn’t care, and she wanted to try.
She spent a LOT of time at my (shared) house, and so we pretty much lived together for five months. We decided to get our initials tattooed on each other’s arms. I bought her an expensive bag she wanted. I say this only because I wanted to show her that I loved her and appreciated her generous spirit in the early days, and I felt she deserved to be looked after. During that time it became clear she was quite ill. I would drive her to college 40 miles away. Otherwise she wouldn’t have gone in. I helped her complete projects. Otherwise she wouldn’t have passed or been able to get into uni. I went with her to the hospital where she had her heavily infected tonsils removed.
In those very early days, she admitted to me that she’d cheated on her ex with his best friend and that she’d lost a lot of her friends as a result. I guess I took her honesty as a sign she wouldn’t, as she said, cheat on me in the same way.
We decided to move into a small flat four months after meeting. Things were great. She got into uni and started strong. But she also worked in a bar, so things kind of slipped a little, and I ended up helping out again. Not a problem for me then ... I loved her and would have done anything for her except watch her just not bother and fail.
We moved into another flat, and again, things were fine. She started a YouTube channel, which I filmed for her, and I bought some lights so we could make the videos great.
We would argue at times during this time about silly things, but mostly about her staying out until 4-5 am after work. I would drive to collect her from work each night, and it meant that I stayed up until 4-5 am. She would make suggestions about other guys, which made me jealous, and I guess I shouldn’t have been ... but I was.
We went on holiday once to twice a year throughout our relationship. We ended up not going out so much - she worked Friday and Saturday nights at the bar, and I worked freelance, and she said for a long time that she wasn’t interested in going out to party. We’d cook; we’d get takeaways; we’d go to a gallery occasionally; or to a restaurant.
I got along with her mum and her brother and grandparents really well. Her mum and I even worked together sometimes.
We moved into another flat after that year, and she wanted a dog. Eventually I agreed we could get a dog because by this point I thought we were together forever. Why else would she want to make that commitment? She talked in a silly way about getting married and having kids. She had calmed down and was coming back from work an hour or so after finishing, which I was fine with.
I was less fine with her not letting me know if she’d gone off somewhere late at night without letting me know, and we had an argument one night about that when she got in at 4 am. It was one of her specialities, walking off in the middle of the night with me following after her because I wouldn’t allow her just to wander the streets alone.
I guess I was wrong to challenge her on going out, but it wasn’t the usual going out with friends. She would get totally drunk and I worried about her. And I thought I was right to expect a text just to let me know she was OK.
She started to say that she wanted to go to live in America. Her mum was upset and she asked, ”What about Adam? What about the dog?” And I told her mum that we needed to support her, and that I wouldn’t be the one to stop her. So, I started looking into visas and things for her. But realistically, it wasn’t going to be easy, and we all knew it. She was (we were) still making videos and doing really well. I was taking photos for her blog.
She was in her final year of uni, and again I had to help a lot to make sure she passed, as she said three months before graduating that she wasn’t interested and that she was going to quit. Her mum would have been just as devastated as I would have been, if she’d just quit, so we talked her out of it.
She graduated, and she got an internship. Our contract on our flat had ended, and she wasn’t earning money, so we agreed that we should move in with her mum for a while. I took over all the dog walking during this time, and I tried to make it easy for her. My career wasn’t going so well. I was earning enough money, but I needed to change things, and I was working towards doing that. But she seemed to think I wasn’t making an effort. I had been very successful in film, had an agent, but that agent wasn’t working well for me anymore. So I spent a fair but of time working from her mum’s home.
About two months before we split, she found a video of a girl I’d been working with on my phone. My girlfriend and I weren’t having intimate relations so much since moving in with her mum (like once in three months or something like that), and I guess I was just going a bit crazy. But it was just a five second video of a girl and her legs. I didn’t fancy this girl. I wasn’t going to do anything about it...I’m not even sure why I took the video...I just don’t know. She reacted badly to this, and said, “I don’t “know if I can get past this.” I talked to her and told her how much I loved her, and eventually she came around and said it was fine. She accepted that I wasn’t doing it to hurt her, but that I was confused. And besides it was just a video.
Things went ok again, and she was still doing her internship. Then I started to have a guy feeling that she was pulling away. She was saying she loved me (and did right up until the end), but I had this horrible suspicion something was going on with a guy she worked with (at the bar). I had no proof, but my gut was trying to tell me something. One night after work (at her internship), she said she was going to meet with this guy for a drink. I said of course it was fine. But for some reason I knew something wasn’t right. I didn’t say anything. In this time I guess I tried super hard to give her what I could ... getting up early to make her breakfast, buying her chocolate and stuff for when she got home...and trying to spend as much time with her as possible.
About five weeks before we split, I went into her bar with a friend for a drink. It had been our local bar, and was still my friends’ local bar, but we now lived with her mum 4 miles away. At the end of the night, she asked me to go home and she’d see me there. I could have waited for twenty minutes (and would have waited longer, quite happily), but she said it in a way that made me just leave. I was angry because things were going through my head.
She returned a few hours later, and then whisper/shouted at me (because her mum was asleep) that she was ’so angry’ with me. I was so stressed and confused and I said ‘I f***ing hate myself’...because I didn’t know what was going on or what was wrong. She went and slept in her mum’s room. The next morning all seemed fine. We talked about it and we apologised.
Then about a week later, we were sitting down and she said she thought we should split up. I was devastated, but I told her that I loved her and that I’d always be there for her. I asked if there was someone else and she said no, she just felt like she wanted to be alone. She went off to work in the bar for the evening. When she came home, she crawled into bed and said “‘I want to make this work”, and I said, “‘So do I”, and we hugged and fell asleep together.
I was secretly making plans, and eventually booked a weekend away for us at a spa she liked for our 4 year anniversary. I thought that if we could just go away, we could sort everything out. She could finish her internship, get a job. I’d sort out my career, and we could properly plan the next step.
However, one weekend, she had invited my best friend up to stay with us (he lives 250 miles away). I thought it a little odd that she invited him, but then they got along well and I was happy about that.
He came up. She wanted us to wash all of our clothes and bed sheets at a launderette which was odd too, but then she often did odd things like that. That evening she went to work at the bar again, We dropped her off and I told her to let me know when she finished and I’d pick her up. She told me not to, that she’d make her own way home. We drove off and I said to my friend “I don’t think she’s coming back tonight. I think she’ll stay out.” I just had that gut feeling again.
So, later that night she texted me “I’ve finished work early, but there’s this house party I’m going to go to...is that ok?” It kind of wasn’t, because I knew the party was something planned by this guy I had my suspicions about, but I said “Yeah, of course it’s ok...just let me know you’re ok.”
Well, at 2 am I texted her to see where she was, and just to let me know she was ok. No reply. I was going a bit crazy inside with thoughts. At 3 am she texted to say she was staying over at the party. Ok, now I’m going even more crazy. I tried to call her, and she didn’t pick up. I texted her ‘let me know you’re ok’. No reply. I was up all night...beside myself. What happens when you go to a party with a guy and you all decide to stay over? Where does she sleep? Where does he sleep? Do they pick separate spots and sleep apart?! Unlikely. Should I have just trusted her? Well she could have come home, right?
I texted again at 6 am to ask if she was ok and to ask her to call me. Nothing. I texted at 10 am to say we were grabbing breakfast, and that she should come along ... nothing. I was beside myself. I knew what had happened.
Finally, at midday, she texted to say “Sorry, I just got all your texts...they didn’t come through until now.” Weird, huh? “I’m on my way back now.” I didn’t believe her ... I think she turned her phone off. But I decided to be normal when she got back to ask how her night was... did she have fun?
My friend left (crappy visit for him!), and I sat on the sofa and she lay on my lap while I stroked her hair (I would stroke her hair and give her a foot massage EVERY NIGHT). Then she said again, “I want to break up.” I asked her did she cheat on me, and she said “No, I wouldn’t do that to you.”
Obviously I had no home, and I had to look for a place to stay. I tried to keep out of her way, but I did cry and ask her to reconsider and text and email her. She started to stay out, saying that she was staying over at the pub (which has hotel rooms above). I asked her again, straight: Was she seeing the guy from work? She said no. I believed her, but I told her mum and her brother that if this guy turned up, they’d know that she cheated. I wanted them to know what I was feeling, the suspicions I had.
I eventually moved into a place short term. I lost my dog (I tried to share the walking of the dog, but her mum said that I shouldn’t carry on because it was clearly hurting me being around). I left with very little. It was just before Christmas too. She suddenly got so cold. No ‘X’s’ on texts (which she puts to EVERYONE). Just a totally different person towards me, like she didn’t ever know me.
I texted her on New Year’s Eve, stupidly, to say ‘Happy New Year. I love you.’...then I decided to go NC for a month, which I stuck to.
I was very upset and very lonely. I was just going crazy by myself, with the thoughts of what was going on. But she had told me that she wasn’t seeing this guy. Her mum and brother told me they didn’t know, that they didn’t think she was seeing anyone, that they were sure she wouldn’t do that. So I tried to accept I was wrong, that she just wanted to be alone.
But then I heard rumours. And I KNEW. I told her mum and brother that I knew, I was 99% sure, and they said that she hadn’t said anything.
So I decided that I would move abroad. And now, two months later I’ve got myself a really great opportunity with working abroad. Like an amazing opportunity which will further my career.
Her brother is still in touch with me, and clearly loves me and isn’t prepared to let me go. Her mum has found it awkward and tough, obviously, but I know she loves me too (she had said throughout our relationship that she considered me like a son). But they both claim not to know. But I KNOW for sure now that she cheated and is still with this guy, and it still hurts.
The place I’m going to live is the place where we went on holiday all those times, a place we both love and had talked about living together throughout our relationship. I’m going there because it’s a place I know and love and I think it will allow me to put distance between us and I can possibly heal. She knows I’m planning to go there and I did another stupid thing. I asked her to go with me. She responded saying that she thinks it’s a good idea to go there, and she wishes me the best of luck as I was ‘wasting my talent’ in London, but she wouldn’t go with me.
So this guy seems not to be a typical rebound ... they would have been together for five months at the end of this month. He’s her age. He works at the bar and at an art gallery as an assistant. He doesn’t drive. But I guess he goes out a lot. She still seems to want to live in America. But she hasn’t made any videos or blogged since we split.
Part of me wants to give her space and see what happens. I think if I can show her I’m happy and successful in a hot country, she may realise how much I did for her, how much I loved her, and maybe want to reconcile. I’m not counting on it happening, and I hate that I still think that, but honestly, she is unlikely to go to America, and she’ll end up living in London, working at the bar, not being able to get a decent job. And it’s not like this guy is particularly talented or anything.
I guess my question is: Should I just let her go completely or should I hold out hope for the one person who I really loved and wanted to spend my life with? Despite what she’s done?
Also, why isn’t she telling her brother or her mum (although I’m sure her mum knows) about this new guy? Is it because she’s ashamed? Because they will know what she did? Or is she not taking it too seriously and doesn’t want it to be a big deal between them?
Hi,
I wonder if anyone would give their opinion. This is a very long story, but it’s a complicated story... I’d really appreciate any input.
I met my girlfriend a year after being cheated on then dumped by my previous ex. We hit it off straight away, made each other laugh, and there was a clear mutual attraction.
After our first date, I found out that I was 9 years older than her. I told her that we should be friends but that it probably wouldn’t work because she was 19 and I was 28. However, she ran after me and said that she didn’t care, and she wanted to try.
She spent a LOT of time at my (shared) house, and so we pretty much lived together for five months. We decided to get our initials tattooed on each other’s arms. I bought her an expensive bag she wanted. I say this only because I wanted to show her that I loved her and appreciated her generous spirit in the early days, and I felt she deserved to be looked after. During that time it became clear she was quite ill. I would drive her to college 40 miles away. Otherwise she wouldn’t have gone in. I helped her complete projects. Otherwise she wouldn’t have passed or been able to get into uni. I went with her to the hospital where she had her heavily infected tonsils removed.
In those very early days, she admitted to me that she’d cheated on her ex with his best friend and that she’d lost a lot of her friends as a result. I guess I took her honesty as a sign she wouldn’t, as she said, cheat on me in the same way.
We decided to move into a small flat four months after meeting. Things were great. She got into uni and started strong. But she also worked in a bar, so things kind of slipped a little, and I ended up helping out again. Not a problem for me then ... I loved her and would have done anything for her except watch her just not bother and fail.
We moved into another flat, and again, things were fine. She started a YouTube channel, which I filmed for her, and I bought some lights so we could make the videos great.
We would argue at times during this time about silly things, but mostly about her staying out until 4-5 am after work. I would drive to collect her from work each night, and it meant that I stayed up until 4-5 am. She would make suggestions about other guys, which made me jealous, and I guess I shouldn’t have been ... but I was.
We went on holiday once to twice a year throughout our relationship. We ended up not going out so much - she worked Friday and Saturday nights at the bar, and I worked freelance, and she said for a long time that she wasn’t interested in going out to party. We’d cook; we’d get takeaways; we’d go to a gallery occasionally; or to a restaurant.
I got along with her mum and her brother and grandparents really well. Her mum and I even worked together sometimes.
We moved into another flat after that year, and she wanted a dog. Eventually I agreed we could get a dog because by this point I thought we were together forever. Why else would she want to make that commitment? She talked in a silly way about getting married and having kids. She had calmed down and was coming back from work an hour or so after finishing, which I was fine with.
I was less fine with her not letting me know if she’d gone off somewhere late at night without letting me know, and we had an argument one night about that when she got in at 4 am. It was one of her specialities, walking off in the middle of the night with me following after her because I wouldn’t allow her just to wander the streets alone.
I guess I was wrong to challenge her on going out, but it wasn’t the usual going out with friends. She would get totally drunk and I worried about her. And I thought I was right to expect a text just to let me know she was OK.
She started to say that she wanted to go to live in America. Her mum was upset and she asked, ”What about Adam? What about the dog?” And I told her mum that we needed to support her, and that I wouldn’t be the one to stop her. So, I started looking into visas and things for her. But realistically, it wasn’t going to be easy, and we all knew it. She was (we were) still making videos and doing really well. I was taking photos for her blog.
She was in her final year of uni, and again I had to help a lot to make sure she passed, as she said three months before graduating that she wasn’t interested and that she was going to quit. Her mum would have been just as devastated as I would have been, if she’d just quit, so we talked her out of it.
She graduated, and she got an internship. Our contract on our flat had ended, and she wasn’t earning money, so we agreed that we should move in with her mum for a while. I took over all the dog walking during this time, and I tried to make it easy for her. My career wasn’t going so well. I was earning enough money, but I needed to change things, and I was working towards doing that. But she seemed to think I wasn’t making an effort. I had been very successful in film, had an agent, but that agent wasn’t working well for me anymore. So I spent a fair but of time working from her mum’s home.
About two months before we split, she found a video of a girl I’d been working with on my phone. My girlfriend and I weren’t having intimate relations so much since moving in with her mum (like once in three months or something like that), and I guess I was just going a bit crazy. But it was just a five second video of a girl and her legs. I didn’t fancy this girl. I wasn’t going to do anything about it...I’m not even sure why I took the video...I just don’t know. She reacted badly to this, and said, “I don’t “know if I can get past this.” I talked to her and told her how much I loved her, and eventually she came around and said it was fine. She accepted that I wasn’t doing it to hurt her, but that I was confused. And besides it was just a video.
Things went ok again, and she was still doing her internship. Then I started to have a guy feeling that she was pulling away. She was saying she loved me (and did right up until the end), but I had this horrible suspicion something was going on with a guy she worked with (at the bar). I had no proof, but my gut was trying to tell me something. One night after work (at her internship), she said she was going to meet with this guy for a drink. I said of course it was fine. But for some reason I knew something wasn’t right. I didn’t say anything. In this time I guess I tried super hard to give her what I could ... getting up early to make her breakfast, buying her chocolate and stuff for when she got home...and trying to spend as much time with her as possible.
About five weeks before we split, I went into her bar with a friend for a drink. It had been our local bar, and was still my friends’ local bar, but we now lived with her mum 4 miles away. At the end of the night, she asked me to go home and she’d see me there. I could have waited for twenty minutes (and would have waited longer, quite happily), but she said it in a way that made me just leave. I was angry because things were going through my head.
She returned a few hours later, and then whisper/shouted at me (because her mum was asleep) that she was ’so angry’ with me. I was so stressed and confused and I said ‘I f***ing hate myself’...because I didn’t know what was going on or what was wrong. She went and slept in her mum’s room. The next morning all seemed fine. We talked about it and we apologised.
Then about a week later, we were sitting down and she said she thought we should split up. I was devastated, but I told her that I loved her and that I’d always be there for her. I asked if there was someone else and she said no, she just felt like she wanted to be alone. She went off to work in the bar for the evening. When she came home, she crawled into bed and said “‘I want to make this work”, and I said, “‘So do I”, and we hugged and fell asleep together.
I was secretly making plans, and eventually booked a weekend away for us at a spa she liked for our 4 year anniversary. I thought that if we could just go away, we could sort everything out. She could finish her internship, get a job. I’d sort out my career, and we could properly plan the next step.
However, one weekend, she had invited my best friend up to stay with us (he lives 250 miles away). I thought it a little odd that she invited him, but then they got along well and I was happy about that.
He came up. She wanted us to wash all of our clothes and bed sheets at a launderette which was odd too, but then she often did odd things like that. That evening she went to work at the bar again, We dropped her off and I told her to let me know when she finished and I’d pick her up. She told me not to, that she’d make her own way home. We drove off and I said to my friend “I don’t think she’s coming back tonight. I think she’ll stay out.” I just had that gut feeling again.
So, later that night she texted me “I’ve finished work early, but there’s this house party I’m going to go to...is that ok?” It kind of wasn’t, because I knew the party was something planned by this guy I had my suspicions about, but I said “Yeah, of course it’s ok...just let me know you’re ok.”
Well, at 2 am I texted her to see where she was, and just to let me know she was ok. No reply. I was going a bit crazy inside with thoughts. At 3 am she texted to say she was staying over at the party. Ok, now I’m going even more crazy. I tried to call her, and she didn’t pick up. I texted her ‘let me know you’re ok’. No reply. I was up all night...beside myself. What happens when you go to a party with a guy and you all decide to stay over? Where does she sleep? Where does he sleep? Do they pick separate spots and sleep apart?! Unlikely. Should I have just trusted her? Well she could have come home, right?
I texted again at 6 am to ask if she was ok and to ask her to call me. Nothing. I texted at 10 am to say we were grabbing breakfast, and that she should come along ... nothing. I was beside myself. I knew what had happened.
Finally, at midday, she texted to say “Sorry, I just got all your texts...they didn’t come through until now.” Weird, huh? “I’m on my way back now.” I didn’t believe her ... I think she turned her phone off. But I decided to be normal when she got back to ask how her night was... did she have fun?
My friend left (crappy visit for him!), and I sat on the sofa and she lay on my lap while I stroked her hair (I would stroke her hair and give her a foot massage EVERY NIGHT). Then she said again, “I want to break up.” I asked her did she cheat on me, and she said “No, I wouldn’t do that to you.”
Obviously I had no home, and I had to look for a place to stay. I tried to keep out of her way, but I did cry and ask her to reconsider and text and email her. She started to stay out, saying that she was staying over at the pub (which has hotel rooms above). I asked her again, straight: Was she seeing the guy from work? She said no. I believed her, but I told her mum and her brother that if this guy turned up, they’d know that she cheated. I wanted them to know what I was feeling, the suspicions I had.
I eventually moved into a place short term. I lost my dog (I tried to share the walking of the dog, but her mum said that I shouldn’t carry on because it was clearly hurting me being around). I left with very little. It was just before Christmas too. She suddenly got so cold. No ‘X’s’ on texts (which she puts to EVERYONE). Just a totally different person towards me, like she didn’t ever know me.
I texted her on New Year’s Eve, stupidly, to say ‘Happy New Year. I love you.’...then I decided to go NC for a month, which I stuck to.
I was very upset and very lonely. I was just going crazy by myself, with the thoughts of what was going on. But she had told me that she wasn’t seeing this guy. Her mum and brother told me they didn’t know, that they didn’t think she was seeing anyone, that they were sure she wouldn’t do that. So I tried to accept I was wrong, that she just wanted to be alone.
But then I heard rumours. And I KNEW. I told her mum and brother that I knew, I was 99% sure, and they said that she hadn’t said anything.
So I decided that I would move abroad. And now, two months later I’ve got myself a really great opportunity with working abroad. Like an amazing opportunity which will further my career.
Her brother is still in touch with me, and clearly loves me and isn’t prepared to let me go. Her mum has found it awkward and tough, obviously, but I know she loves me too (she had said throughout our relationship that she considered me like a son). But they both claim not to know. But I KNOW for sure now that she cheated and is still with this guy, and it still hurts.
The place I’m going to live is the place where we went on holiday all those times, a place we both love and had talked about living together throughout our relationship. I’m going there because it’s a place I know and love and I think it will allow me to put distance between us and I can possibly heal. She knows I’m planning to go there and I did another stupid thing. I asked her to go with me. She responded saying that she thinks it’s a good idea to go there, and she wishes me the best of luck as I was ‘wasting my talent’ in London, but she wouldn’t go with me.
So this guy seems not to be a typical rebound ... they would have been together for five months at the end of this month. He’s her age. He works at the bar and at an art gallery as an assistant. He doesn’t drive. But I guess he goes out a lot. She still seems to want to live in America. But she hasn’t made any videos or blogged since we split.
Part of me wants to give her space and see what happens. I think if I can show her I’m happy and successful in a hot country, she may realise how much I did for her, how much I loved her, and maybe want to reconcile. I’m not counting on it happening, and I hate that I still think that, but honestly, she is unlikely to go to America, and she’ll end up living in London, working at the bar, not being able to get a decent job. And it’s not like this guy is particularly talented or anything.
I guess my question is: Should I just let her go completely or should I hold out hope for the one person who I really loved and wanted to spend my life with? Despite what she’s done?
Also, why isn’t she telling her brother or her mum (although I’m sure her mum knows) about this new guy? Is it because she’s ashamed? Because they will know what she did? Or is she not taking it too seriously and doesn’t want it to be a big deal between them?
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